just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
