Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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