I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
