Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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