Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
