i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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