my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
