You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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