Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
