i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
