remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just pee around me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
