so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
