i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
