omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
