I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
