If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
