none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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