when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
