Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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