Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
