never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
