saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
