zippers are such a cool invention
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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