I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
