My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
