i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
