are you still at the devil's house?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
