Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
