he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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