the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
