I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
