onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
