I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
