Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
