my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
