WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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