so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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