I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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