I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
