i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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