from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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