So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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