you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
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Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
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There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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