i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
