Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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