I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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