Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
