pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
