mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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