I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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