I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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