I checked into jail on foursquare
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
