Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
