Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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