bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
