God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
