Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
