I wish I could punch you in the face.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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